TO WAKE THE DEAD
Content warnings: undead creatures, grave robbing. mentioned dismemberment, rot, and cannibalism.
Lane was very, very tired. This tended to be a side effect of being dead. Human bodies werenât really meant to keep going after that, with a few very rare exceptions, so it was the unfortunate truth that he spent most of the daytime in his grave, sleeping.
He didnât have to, not like Verity a few plots down; sheâd gotten a nasty sunburn a few weeks back when theyâd forgotten to adjust their single communal clock to Daylight Savings. No, he could go in the sun just as well as any human. It was just more convenient. People were in the cemetery in the daytime, sometimes, and when you went outside when it was bright out it was easier for people to see that you were weirdly pale and dressed like it was still the sixties and completely covered in dirt. So he went out at night most of the time.
Tonight, though, heâd woken up and realized he didnât really feel that hungry after his meal two days ago, and it had just snowed so itâd be freezing out, so he turned over in his coffin and went back to sleep.
Or, well, he went back to sleep until he heard something above him.
This wasnât super weird. There were a lot of animals around here. Deer, for one thing, and rabbits and foxes and stuff like that. And there was that new groundskeeper or whoever he was, whoever had been digging around in the graveyard.
On second thought, it was definitely the groundskeeper. He could hear a shovel above him.
Were they renovating or something? He had heard so many peopleâs graves getting dug up. Lucky it hadnât been anyone else in the community yet, if it had been Verity or one of the other vampires on the old side of the graveyard the poor groundskeeper would be dead before he even had a chance to say âsorryâ.
Lane held very still in his coffin as the shovel sounds grew closer and closer. If he was very still and quiet, then when they moved his coffin it wouldnât be suspicious.
After a long while, he heard something heavier than a shovel land near him, and heard a creaking sound above him as cool night air rushed into his coffin. He kept his eyes closed and his face slack, ready for the coffin lid to close again now that the groundskeeper had checked he was still thereâ
And then he felt the sleeve of his suit being tugged up, and the cool bite of metal against his skin.
âHey, ow!â Lane tugged his hand away, glaring up at him. Sure, yeah, corpses didnât talk, but he didnât give a shit about that anymore. Somebody was trying to take a fucking saw to his wrist.
âWhat the fuck?â The groundskeeperâno, he definitely was not a groundskeeper, no groundskeeper in their right mind would do that shitâthe grave robber stumbled back and dropped his saw.
âHow would you feel if someone tried to saw your wrist off, asshole?â He clambered out of his coffin, sitting perched on his own gravestone. He didnât bother to lookâhe knew what it said, no point dwelling on a death date when there was so much undeath to live.
âYouâre alive.â
Lane burst out laughing.
âWhat?!â The grave robber looked offendedâand the littlest bit embarrassed.
âLook at the gravestone, buddy. Could anything that was buried that long ago still be alive?â He didnât wait for a response. âNo, Iâm undead. Thereâs a difference. And the difference is if a living person had been buried down there, theyâd probably just scream and then thank you for digging them up, and then run away.â
âSo what are you going to do?â
Lane considered this. Heâd make a good snack, this underprepared grave robber, but he had just eaten. And he couldnât keep him anywhere. One of the worst parts about living in a hole in the dirtâno space for belongings besides your own self.
He could go get Verity. She was always looking for a fresh meal. But sheâd make a big deal about grave robbers, and then sheâd go find Conrad and heâd make a big deal about grave robbers, and heâd call a fucking community meeting and then Lane would have to sit through more than one community meeting a month. Which would, of course, suck.
So the only option for this guy was to keep him alive. Maybe scare him a little before he left, thatâd keep him away from the graveyard again. If he came back, heâd probably run into one of the others, and they wouldnât be as charitable.
âIâm going to eat you. Isnât it obvious?â He grinned, showing as many of his teeth as he couldâand that was a considerable amount, he was pretty proud of that. âThings that live in graves eat people, at least most of the time. But if you start running now, I like your chances of getting to the gates before I doââ
âHow about we make a deal?â the grave robber said, looking not afraid in the slightest, and Lane was honestly kind of disappointed.
âWhat kind of a deal?â
âWell, I mean, there canât be that many living people coming into this cemetery. And if you want to eat regularly, then youâd probably have to hunt humans down. Thatâs inconvenient, right?â
âWhat the hell are you saying?â
âIâm saying that I can help. A quid pro quo.â
âYouâre going to give me the body parts that youâre getting from graves.â
The grave robber looked at him, even more embarrassed than before. âWell, Iââ
âDude, you donât think I can just go hunt down food for myself? Iâve been doing this for my whole un-life, Iâm not just some⊠I dunno, baby who canât find a goddamn leg to take a bite out of.â
âBut when I give it to you, itâll be clean, sterile, and most importantly living.â
âOh, yeah, âcause thatâs betterââ
âYouâre a ghoul, arenât you,â he said, looking at Lane with a self-satisfied smile. âI know itâs healthier for you to eat living meals. I know, Iâve done my research. You wonât have to kill any living people to eat living meals if you work with me.â
âSo youâre a ghoul expert.â That was definitely not a thing. Heâd never met anyone who even recognized him as a ghoul. âRight.â
âNo, not an expert. Just someone with an interest. It would be useful for me too.â
âHaving someone who eats dead bodies hanging around you would be useful for you,â Lane said, unable to contain his shock. This was quite possibly the weirdest night of his life, second only to the night he woke up and had to dig himself out of his coffin.
âYes, it would.â The grave robber smiled at him with crooked teeth. âYou would get fresh meals, no hunting needed, and a place to stay that has a bed instead of a hole in the ground.â
âWait, wait, wait. Let me see if I got this right. Youâre inviting me, a dead body that you just dug out of the fucking dirt, to go back to your place.â
âWhâyou donât have to put it like that.â
âNo, go on. Tell me more about this whole arrangement.â He settled back onto his gravestone, long legs crossed on the dirt pile beside it. âI want to know what could possibly appeal to you about having a man who is literally rotting living in your house with you.â
âOkay, well, first of all, itâs not a house, itâs an apartment,â the grave robber said, red-faced. âAnd I have a, ehhh, certain interest in the undead. It would be beneficial to me to have someone to study, and a disposal method for the experiments Iâve been working on. Of course, I wouldnât do anything without your consent, it would all be non-invasive.â
Laneâs eyebrows rose. âYou arenât kidding,â he said. âYou really arenât kidding.â/p>
âOf course not. Why would I be kidding about this?â
âI dunno, because youâre fuckinââinviting a corpse to be your roommate.â He shrugged, which had gotten a lot easier since his connective tissue had decomposed a little.
âYou would have to be sure not to interfere with my life. Iâd be doing you a favor, so you donât get to pry or anything like that.â The grave robber picked up his shovel and slung it over one shoulder, wincing as it hit his shoulder.
âIf anything, Iâd be less likely to pry. I donât even want to know why youâd ask a dead guy to go live in your house with you.â
âI just told you.â
âYou really didnât explain anything, but thatâs⊠fine, I guess.â He pushed himself up off the gravestone, kicking a clump of dirt into his grave. âDamn. Kinda got used to this place.â
The grave robber frowned. âYou know you didnât have to say yes.â
âYouâd probably have sawed my hand off if I didnât.â
âNo, you would have screamed,â the grave robber said, like he had actually considered it. âIâll fill the grave in again.â
âCool. Lemme go tell Conrad Iâm leaving, heâs gonna lose his fuckinâ mind.â
The grave robber looked up. âConrad?â
âThe ghost in charge of this place,â Lane said. At the clear confusion on his face, he continued. âCome on, you didnât really think I was the only undead thing here? Youâre just lucky you didnât dig up anybody else. Not everyoneâs as⊠nice as me.â
âBecause youâre the picture of manners.â
âHey. Watch your mouth, I coulda eaten you.â
âIâm sure you could have. But you didnât. That makes me think you donât really want to, do you?â
Lane shrugged again. âEhh. Iâm pretty full right now. But watch your back.â